Tryin' To Get The Feeling Again....

So I stopped....I had to. Okay, I didn't have to....I could just keep going and going and going until I fall over from exhaustion. It really wouldn't have bothered me because I love to sing. I could do it every minute of every day of my life. Which is why I had to stop, at least for a few days. Let me explain....

I sing because I have to--yes, I have to, just like breathing. It's involuntary. At least 70% of the time when I am singing, I don't even realize I'm doing it. I'm not talking about when I'm on stage....obviously if I'm on stage in front of an audience with a mic in my hand, I am aware that I am singing. I'm talking about all those times when I'm just doing regular stuff--washing dishes, shopping, driving, surfing the internet, watching TV (I tend to sing along with the commercial jingles), taking a shower (yes, I sing in the shower....my secret is out).

I actually caught myself singing once when I was window shopping at some antique stores several years ago. Normally, that wouldn't be a big deal, but that event stands out for me because of what I was singing. As I stood in front of a very reflective storefront window, I saw myself dancing along to the tune that kept repeating in my head. About halfway through one of the many refrains of the song, I stopped and looked at my reflection and thought "Oh my God!" I immediately looked around to see if anyone was watching--not that it would have mattered. I had been singing the same song over and over for the better part of half an hour--OUT LOUD--as other pedestrians were passing by. I know, I know, you want to know what song could have been so embarrassing. I was singing "I'm a Little Teapot" AND doing the little dance that goes with it. You know the one--"Here is my handle, here is my spout"...."Just tip me over, pour me out"--yep, that's the one. I was somewhere in my mid-twenties at the time and this happened in the middle of a weekday when there were plenty of cars driving by in addition to the pedestrians. I never realized I was singing it until I saw my reflection "tip over". That's my point....singing is such a natural action for me that I don't even know I'm doing it half the time and, when it's a conscious action, many times I'm not paying attention to what song I'm singing.
Because of this fact, I don't see singing as work. This is a true statement for anyone who is doing something they love for a living. If you ask them, they will say it doesn't feel like work to them.

But it started feeling like work....like a job. That's why I knew I had to stop. I felt it happening, but tried to ignore it and lie to myself about it (which is really impossible for me to do). I was forgetting lyrics and becoming very critical of myself and my performances. I was actually getting to the point where I just didn't even want to hear the songs. I wasn't enjoying it....and I always enjoy it....ALWAYS. I get such a high from performing and I just wasn't feeling it. It was becoming something I had to do for others instead of something I wanted to do for myself. I got an email a few days ago. It said this....

"If you're doing something for someone else's approval, you may as well not do it at all. There is only one reason to do anything: to announce and declare, express and fulfill, become and experience Who You Really Are. Do what you do, therefore, for the sheer joy of it, for sheer joy is who you are. Do what you choose, not what someone else chooses for you."

That's it in a nutshell. It stopped being about the music and began to be about what others would think of my performance. The joy was gone....and I knew I had to get it back or it just wasn't going to work. I won't bore you with all the details of my school years and young adult life. Suffice it to say that I spent a good many of those years trying to win the approval of others (and never getting it most of the time). I try like hell not to do that anymore, but every now and then that insecurity finds a crack in my armor and sneaks through. That's when I have to walk away from it--the insecurity, not the music--and revisit the truth in my soul. That's when I have to find my joy again....when I have to remind myself why I do what I do....

To announce and declare, express and fulfill, become and experience Who I Really Am.