Friday, July 10, 2009

One Voice



I can’t turn it off….I don’t know how. I’ve never known how. I look out the window and I can think of a hundred reasons to go out into the warm sunshine. I can think of so many things I could accomplish….all the things I could get done in one twenty-four hour period. I see cars as they pass through the intersection in front of my house. All kinds of people going in all different directions for all different reasons….most of them oblivious to the others. I should be out there doing things….going places….doing all those things that normal people do. I should, but I won’t. I won’t because something here is calling to me….calling with a voice that only my heart can hear….a voice that I have never been able to ignore. As I turn from the window, I know what is waiting for me. I know it’s only a matter of time before we are together again.

I walk silently to the other side of the room. Reaching over, I flip a switch on the back of the console. As the small windows light up, I feel a tingle pass through me. I push the power button on the board to my right. More lights glow. Opening the drawer, I insert a disc….as the drawer closes, I feel the console vibrate lightly and hear a whirring sound as the disc spins. In seconds, I see the numbers on the LED display. I choose a track and then look to the right as I adjust the controls on the board. Reaching up, I wrap my hand around the microphone and pull it from the stand. I push the button and the power light shines green. I tap lightly on the top and hear a low thump, thump. I feel a stirring in my soul as a smile spreads across my face in anticipation. As the music begins to pulsate through the speakers standing to each side of me, I inhale deeply and turn as my heart and soul are transported to a place deep in the recesses of my mind. A place I have always longed to be….a place where I feel I belong. The words of the song flow effortlessly from my lips. I have sung these words before and will no doubt sing them again. They are words that speak to me and inspire me. I stop singing and listen as the measures of an instrumental take over the middle of the song, then I start again just as effortlessly as before. As the song draws to an end, the music becomes quiet and subdued. I sing the last lines slowly with passion and longing. The heartbreak is inevitable. The music fades to silence as I close my eyes. Soon reality overtakes me and reminds me where I am….here, alone, in my living room. The voice calls to me again….more, it pleads, more….I give in to it as I choose another track and raise the microphone to my lips. Before I realize it, hours have passed and another day is gone.

Some may say I should have done something more constructive….others might say I wasted my time away dreaming….still others may call me foolish….and I guess to some extent, they may be right. But that one voice I hear calling to me tells me “it doesn’t matter what they think….it doesn’t matter what they say….it doesn’t even matter if they like you. It only matters what you think, what you say, and if YOU like you.” As I stand staring at the console, my one voice asks again, “more, please?” I change the disc, choose a new track and listen as the music begins again. Just like the voice that speaks to my heart, I can’t turn the music off. I hear it everywhere, begging me to sing along….it never leaves me….it never turns me away….it never lets me down. The thrills, the emotions, the excitement….they are always there waiting to be experienced, and I can never say no. This is my drug of choice. This is my passion….

No comments: